It's no secret that people want to be treated in a way that is comfortable to them. But did you know that you can improve your relationships by treating people according to which side of their brain they use? Sounds crazy, but it really isn't. The brain is divided into two hemispheres left and right. The left hemisphere is the cognitive side which is where writer's block occurs. The right hemisphere is the creative side which is where an artist and canvas meet.
You can take a more scientific approach in dealing with people by responding to them in a manner you know appeals to them. If you know "right-brainers," give them creative gifts or ask them todo/critique something requiring creativity. It was probably a "right-brainer" who designed your house.
Your accountant may be a "left-brainer" who is always prepared to give you the bottom line. "Left-brainers" may be your more conservative friends and family. A subscription to a favorite news/features magazine may do wonders for a relationship. Knowing people's tendencies can guide you in the right (or left) direction.
How much space do you need? Consider space requirements when you are shopping for a house. Space is something that people require in varying amounts. If you or a family member are claustrophobic, a compact house with smaller rooms and limited hall and walkways may be less suitable than one with open space, super-sized rooms and windows that bare all. The latter would be unsuitable to the less secure individual. Pay attention to detail. A finished basement, appliances, soundproofed walls, and other similar luxuries may be appealing, but you have to judge whether the house you are looking at will comfortably sustain your family.
Is there room for the hobbies you and your family enjoy? Is there space for that plush sectional you always wanted and your parents agreed to buy as a gift for the new house? Will the kids have room to grow, and is there room for company? What about that home computer system you want to buy...where will you put it? Most importantly, is the space in the house appealing to you? Before you sign the dotted line, be sure you are comfortable in making this house your home.
If the people you kissed on your way out the door this morning are beginning to look like strangers, it's time to set aside some family time. Don't assume that you and your family will get less busy as time goes by; the exact opposite is true! Make family a priority now.
As a group, decide on an hour in a set day(s) each week that will be spent together. No excuses! Say no to ALL requests to spend this time doing something else. Nothing is more important than family. Following are some suggestions for how to spend this special time:
PLAY! You remember how. Here are some ideas.
Ice skate
Roller/ in-line skate
Family swim night
Dance
Sing
Take a walk, jog, bike ride
Finger paint
Rock paint
Plant things
Write a poem, song, book, or play, a little at a time.
Act out above on a set day.
Play a board game
Play hide-and-seek
No phone calls! No television! No grievances mentioned!
Hug! Kiss!
Say, 'I love you' to your children and spouse.
You're working late; your spouse is stuck in traffic; the toddler is at daycare, which closes in ten minutes; the eldest has practice; the middle one's hungry; and there isn't any food in the house.
Does the above scenario ring true? It wouldn't be suprising. Families are swiftly losing time together, which used to be so easy to find. Everyone has his own life within the family. Does "family" really mean hurried words, quick hugs, and a "how've ya' been?" as you pass in the hall? You probably hear it all the time: "Set a consistent family time, and stick to it." However, it can't be denied that making time for loved ones makes a huge impact on their lives. With an almost infinite number of items constantly warring for your spouse and children's attention, making them realize that family both deserves and needs attention will affect their lives forever.
Don't take this as just an empty suggestion; set a consistent daily family time. Dinnertime usually works well, since mornings are so hectic and no one's home during the day. Don't take no for an answer from your kids; time with friends, TV-- even homework-- can wait. Even if their attitude isn't great at first, you're making an investment into their lives that models faithful family living, and your grandchildren will thank you.
Teamwork. This is a word applied to sports, projects and academic teams. Rarely is the word applied to a family, but a family may be the best example of teamwork there is. Just as it takes a team to create a family, it takes a team to maintain a family.
There are several things your family can do together as a team, such as housework, yard work and recreational or leisure activities. One of the things you can do to promote family unity is to take a Saturday and go to a park and play together. Games such as team tag, basketball, soccer and softball foster a need to work together to accomplish a goal.
In addition, games such as these bring the family together while letting each member shine. By playing a game like soccer each person learns to work independently to reach the team goal, yet has the safety net of knowing that when he or she needs help, the rest of the team is there. And that is what a family is all about: being able to work toward your goals with the support of the people who know and love you most.
Catch the team spirit. Take your family out to play!
It's often said that you don't find people on their death bed saying, "I wish I had spent more time at the office." How many people do you think will say on their death bed, "I spent enough time with my family"? Most people would like to spend more time with friends and loved ones. How do you get away from that nagging guilt of saying that you need to spend more time?
Based on your life dreams, priorities, and needs, where do you want to spend your time? Write down how much you need for yourself, important relationships, family, work, etc. Once you determine what you want to do, work toward those goals.
As you gain ground on attaining balance in your life, be encouraged. Also understand that you won't get there as quickly as you would like, and once you are there, you probably will realize that you need to make adjustments. Once you accomplish a goal, be happy about it. If you reach your goals and still don't feel satisfied, take time to readjust them and then evaluate how those changes affect the relationships.
Guilt is many times inappropriate and will cause emotional pain. Emotional pain, like physical pain, is not a bad thing as long as it works properly. If you put your hand on a hot stove, you feel pain. If you didn't, you could severely and permanently damage your hand. Feeling guilty for not spending enough time with your children can be a positive thing as it will help you address this area. Guilt without action is worthless, just like pain from a hot stove would be worthless if you didn't move your hand.
If you invest the appropriate amount of time in a relationship and still feel pain, that indicates that something else is wrong. Look at the past and see what worked. Try those actions and see what results you get. It might be that you're doing the right actions but in the wrong manner. Ask your loved ones for direction, and try different ways of implementation. It might be that you haven't done the action for a long enough period of time. If you've been harsh to your spouse for five years, several days or weeks of gentleness won't fix the situation.
Some people need more time than others. Look at yourself, loved ones, friends, and co-workers, and see how much is really needed and then work toward those goals. You will be happier and have a more fulfilled life as a result of your efforts.
"Peace is more important than all justice, and peace was not made for the sake of justice, but justice for the sake of peace."
Peace. Peace and quiet. Isn't that what we return to our homes nightly for? After dealing with the stresses of the outside world, isn't it nice to cuddle up on a couch or chair in "peace?"
However, peace is not always what we find when we go home. Sometimes we find our homes full of conflict, and it may seem that we cannot go home without facing a debate about something. This doesn't have to be the case.
Preserve your peace by choosing which debates are really necessary and which ones aren't. Make sure to talk to people who consistently bother you rather than blowing up at them when you reach your breaking point. Try to look for other ways around conflicts. Your home should be a haven, not a judgeless courtroom.
Most of us have heard the adage, "If you don't stand for something, you'll fall for anything." In fact, it's even echoed in the chorus of a popular tune. And, now more than ever, there are a plethora of things for which one can stand. There are animal rights, women's rights, men's rights, minority rights, and even the earth's rights. If you don't already have a cause, it isn't too hard to find one. Yet, most of us would probably agree that although it is good to take a stand on an issue, sometimes it's better to sit down. After all, taking a stand is hard work.
Think about what our bodies go through when we get worked up over an issue -- our heart rate increases, our blood pressure rises, we may get nervous or fidgety, and our emotions may begin to take us for a roller coaster ride. This is a tiring process, and probably one that would be best to avoid after putting in a full day's work.
Standing for something is not a bad thing, but we need to choose carefully what and when we are going to make our opinions heard. Often, when we stand, it isn't forsomething like animal rights or preserving the rain forest. Instead, it's for squeezing the tube of toothpaste from the bottom, or for drinking out of the milk jug. Although some of the smaller issues relate to bigger ones such as manners or hygiene, we need to think through these issues before we go for a roller coaster ride.
If we don't stop to think, conflict may be the rule rather than the exception in our home. This will constantly put us on edge and turn us into nervous wrecks. Before you decide to stand up for something, ask yourself the following questions:
Is this issue really important?
Is there a way to handle this situation without causing conflict?
Do I have to deal with this right now?
Is there only one issue at stake here or is there a much larger problem?
These questions will not only help you to decide whether to sit or stand but also help you to focus on the true issue at hand. Although sitting is not always the easiest thing to do, sometimes it may be the best way to work through a problem and preserve a relationship.
As time constraints become tighter, divorce statistics rise, and your child shouts, "I hate you," you may wonder what the point is to having family meetings. All that seems to come of them is shouting, sulking, and solutions that are useful for about two weeks. It sounds like time to reestablish the basic rules in family communication. Meetings are the perfect forum for making sure these rules are being followed, even when your family's not in a meeting. They also show your children that you want them to be involved in family decisions and challenges. Children arent too young to have feelings on family topics, and they deserve a chance to voice those feelings.
In your meetings, everyone gets a chance to talk. If this rule is held up, everyone will be reassured that their voice will be heard, and they are less likely to interrupt with
their own thoughts on the subject.
Use and teach "I feel" statements. Using the formula of "I feel X when you do Y" removes blame from the party you are speaking to and allows them to explain what their actions or words really mean.
No raised or strained voices. Shouting shows disrespect, and disrespect breaks down communication. If you need a break, say so. If you're irritated because the first rule is being broken, then say so using the second rule: "I'm really irritated right now because I feel like no one has listened to me."
Learn, use, and teach emphasizing. Restating what the other person has said reassures them that you fully understood their feelings. Because they know this, they will not be able to use the excuse that you really don't understand. They are more apt to listen to your side and talk about a solution.
Agree on actions to be taken when agreed-upon solutions are not achieved. The best solutions will never work if they aren't enforced consistently.
Talk about what's going right so everyone sees the wonderful things about their family. It's important to know that the people you are having problems with see good things in you. This is as important for moms and dads as it is for children.
Your children can be a big help to you as they get older, if you let them. The little things that your children do around the house to "help out' can add up to big things in the future. Giving them responsibilities early on may be more work for you in the beginning, but eventually it will lighten your load and help them understand a little about how things work in an adult world. Here's how to get things started:
Make a list of the things that need to be done around the house. Include jobs that require sharing, like washing the dishes, and jobs which your child can do alone, like feeding the family pet. Sharing jobs give your child a sense of community and cooperation while independent jobs boost self esteem. Let each child pick one or more of the things they want to do. Negotiate the terms of the jobs and write them down. And, whatever you do, don't forget to commend a job well done. Remember how you felt when you did your best at something ,and no one recognized your efforts?
Including your children smoothes the flow of your household. Everyone feels a part of the family. Responsibilities are learned, and the children become more independent. And, as everyone learns and grows, your work load could actually be reduced.
Wife: ...and the Jacksons just bought a dog. I hope it isn't ferocious. Little Jamie will have to be careful when he comes over, don't you think? Husband: Hmmm. Wife: Well, it sure wouldn't be good if he was bitten. Husband: No response. Wife: Of course, it could bite you. Husband: Mmhmm. Wife: You haven't heard a word I said. Husband: Sure I have; you were talking about Jamie's biting habit. Hey, look at that car! What do you think of that, hun? Wife: Hmmm.
When people don't listen to what we are saying, it can be quite frustrating. Of course, this is a problem we generally attribute to someone else. But, how well do you listen? Norman Sigband, author of Communicating in Business, says that the average person can mentally process 400-600 words per minute but we only talk at 200-300 wpm. The rest of the time leaves room for the mind to wander.
The best way to learn to pay attention to the person talking to you is to visualize what he/she is saying to you. A roving mind can lead to a deaf ear. To help keep you from spacing out when someone is talking to you, focus on the person's mouth and eyes. Not only will it help you to listen and hear better, it will also show the person that you are interested and attentive to what he/she is saying.
Limit your interruptions when a person is talking to you. How can you listen if you are talking, too? If you don't understand or want to respond, let the person complete what he/she has to say first. If you have an interesting comment you want to make but don't want to forget it, jot it down on a piece of paper. That way you can be polite and still remember what you wanted to say.
Listening skills are important for a harmonious relationship with your family, friends, and business contacts. In order to learn to talk we need to first listen, and then repeat. In order to share in a conversation, we need to first listen, and then respond.
If It Aint Broke, Fix It Anyway
Isn't it funny how we take classes to learn how to build a bookshelf, prepare our taxes, cook exotic foods, and even to improve our memory? But there are no classes to teach us how to build relationships.
There are numerous programs and people willing to help us fix a relationship once it has been broken -- counselors, psychologists, talk show hosts -- but no one seems to be
willing to share the knowledge of how to build a relationship that will not break. This is essential information, too, because without relationships there is no life, be it personal or business. Relationships, like great architectural structures, are built one small action at a time. Think of a relationship as a bank account at your local bank. You make deposits and withdrawals on a regular basis. Similarly, relationships go along just fine until you become overdrawn.
Writing special thank you notes to your clients, business partners, parents, in-laws, friends, or neighbors deposits into your relationship bank account with them. Saying something hurtful or not following through on your promises withdraws from the account.
In every relationship there will be deposits and withdrawals. However, you do need to make sure that there are no unnecessary withdrawals. After all, what would you
do if your bank withdrew $5 here and another $10 there? Even if you had $10,000, you wouldn't like it. You would probably end up taking your business elsewhere. In many relationships, this happens on a daily basis -- a little unsolicited criticism here, some snide remark there. Even if these comments do not bankrupt the relationship, they do add up. In the same way that the $5 and $10 withdrawn from the bank would eventually eat up your account, these little remarks can eat away at the relationship bank account between you and someone else. Why make unnecessary withdrawals?
Of course, there will be times when withdrawals are made, but they can be offset by deposits. However, do not look for ways to make million dollar deposits into a relationship this week. Instead, look for ways to make several small deposits. Over time, the small deposits, like the principle of compounding interest, will grow into an immense bank account. Be patient, work a little bit every day, and you will see success in every relationship to which you apply this principle. It's really a preventive measure, ensuring that a crack in a relationship will not completely break it.
Have you ever noticed that there's always one family on the block that appears to be living a happy and carefree life? They always seem to be a very loving family unit; no matter what problems that family faces, they always get through them. They spend time together, they talk about what's bothering them, they encourage each other. Do you wish that your family was more like theirs- more productive and less stressed out?
According to the National Mental Health Association (NMHA), families first need to recognize where day-to-day stress originates before they can learn to cope with their challenges. Once you get back to the root of any dissention, it's much easier to be honest about it, discuss it, and put an end to it.
Some stress can originate from eithin the immedate family. The NMHA reports that having children is a stressful business. Raising children can be blessed, irritating, funny, heartbreaking, and always exhausting. At every stage of children's lives, their needs can be so overwhelming that parents get into the habit of ignoring their own needs.
Because stress can also come from outside the family, the NMHA says that work leads to stress in most families. In more than half of today's two-parent families, both parents work. While self-fulfillment is one factor, financial necessity is the main motivator. A loss of family time is the unfortunate result of long business hours and travel and job pressures that spill over into home and family life.
The Association says that years six, seven, and eight of a marriage are often the most troublesome. At this point, one or both partners are beginning to take career goals
seriously, and children are still young and demanding. One parent may feel the urge to break loose and live differently before it's "too late."
Understanding the sources of day-to-day stress in the home can help individuals deal with their issues and turn their families into loving, happy units. Open communication about stressors is also essential. Ask, and be willing to answer, about stress in each loved one's life. The happiness of the family down the block is not out of your reach!
