Relationship with ChildrenWe are a society geared towards children. From playgrounds in restaurants to special carts for kids in grocery stores, our culture is becoming more dedicated to ensuring the
happiness of children. While it is important for children to have fun, it is also important for them to have structure.This does not mean you need to suffocate your children with rules and regulations. Consistency and balance are the keys to success in this area. Have a set time for going to bed, getting up, eating breakfast, lunch and dinner, and set limits on how late your child can stay out. In the August, 1993, issue of "Insights on the News," Susan Fields maintains that "adolescents who are unsupervised by adults after school . . . are more likely to smoke cigarettes and marijuana, drink alcohol and become depressed." Providing structure shows your child that you do care about him or her and are concerned for their well-being. It also makes it easier to balance all the other things in your family's life. Be careful to maintain a balance between structure and spontaneity so that you do not stifle your child's creativity and independence.
By having a balance between fun and structure, you can show your children just how much you love them while giving them the freedom they need to grow and experience life.
"Don't do that." "Pick up this." "Don't touch that." "Don't step in the _______________." You are full of directives. Do your "do's" outweigh your "don'ts?" Or do your "don'ts" outnumber your "do's?" Rules and limitations are good, but you don't want to be too restrictive. By always telling family members what NOT to do, they may not know what TO do. That can cause confusion and conflicts that you don't want to bring into your new home.
Overwhelming family members with a long list of "do's" can make you seem bossy and overbearing. Too many "do's" can infringe on your child's sense of freedom as a member of the household. This can lead to resentment and conflict which you don't want as a housewarming gift.
It is hard to determine which is better—do or don't. Both can have positive and negative affects. Like most
things in life, moderation is best. Whatever discourages your family members from becoming well rounded individuals who are productive, responsible, and independent with a healthy self esteem—don't do it. Whatever makes your house a home do it and enjoy every minute with your family.
You pride yourself in being a good parent. You children are the most well-mannered and well-behaved children on the block. You have rules in your home that are strictly adhered to. The kids come home from school and it's homework first. After homework, there's dinner. No SegaTM, PlayStationTM, or Nintendo 64TM on school nights. The TV shows your family watches are pre-screened and pre-recorded by you and your spouse before the children are allowed to watch them. There is a schedule for who washes the dishes and who takes out the garbage each week. "No" this and "no" that. You wear the pants. You make the rules.
Setting rules and establishing limitations is good for your children and can enhance the flow of your household. Children need discipline in order to learn about the limitations in society and help them in their development. Rules at home help them understand that they cannot do certain things in public.
On one hand, curfews generally are good. They teach children responsibility and help both parent and child establish a bond of trust. Kids need to socialize because that is how they learn to interact with people. But they also have to learn closure, and establishing a curfew can help teach that. On the other hand, like any "good" thing, too much structure can be bad. Like adults, children like to have freedom. Freedom to make choices. Freedom to do what they want. Freedom to make mistakes.
If the structure that you have set up in your household doesn't promote self-sufficiency, self-esteem, and independence, it could deter your child from become a well rounded individual and will probably disrupt the flow of your household. When you child breaks one of the rules, he or she very likely will be reprimanded by you. But if the same rule is broken time after time, there may be an underlying cause. Is the rule too strict? Does the rule infringe on the child's sense of self and his/her development? Remember that the rules that work in other households or those that your parents set for you may not necessarily work with you and your family.
Structure serves the purpose of shaping, be it your household or your children. Too much or too little can be bad. Look for and accept a happy medium. It will help you enjoy your home and your family even more.
For some children, getting homework started and completed in a reasonable amount of time is a losing battle. "The Middle School Years: A Parent's Handbook", published by the National Committee for Citizens in Education, offers these tips to help you help your child complete homework:
Key Questions To Ask Your When Your Child Is Having Trouble With Homework:
1. Do you understand what you are supposed to do? Say it in your own words, step by step.
2. Have you read the background material?
3. Have you read the directions? If not, read them aloud.
4. Do you have the directions, or did you leave them at school?
5. Do you have everything you need to complete the work?
6. Have you allowed enough time to complete the project?
If The Child Is Still Stumped, Ask:
1. How far did you get in the assignment? Let's pinpoint the problem.
2. Did you miss a class where instructions were given?
3. Are there terms or words you do not understand? If so, look them up in a dictionary.
4. Do you need to review first?
5. Is your answer reasonable? How can you check your work?
If your child is having frequent problems in completing homework, contact the teacher. The teacher needs to be alerted in order to help your child.
Do Parenting Styles Affect Grades?
Your parenting style affects the emotional, physical, and developmental growth of your children. Researcher Reginald Clark discovered three parenting styles after asking students about how their family background related to grades. "The Middle School Years: A Parent's Handboook", written and published by the National Committee for Citizens in Education, published Clark's findings.
1. "Tell'em and that's it"—(Authoritarian): These parents tell their kids not to disagree with or question adults. They punish their children for poor grades and respond to good grades with instructions to do even better. Clark found that this parenting style usually doesn't lead to success in school.
2. "Kids need to grow up on their own"—(Permissive): Parents do not seem to care whether grades are poor or good. They do not stress working hard, establishing rules about watching TV, or getting involved in education, either at home or school.
3. "In charge but willing to listen"Authoritative): Parents tell children to look at both sides of an issue, talk about family issues, encourage everyone to participate in decisions, and respond to good grades with praise. Low grades are greeted with some restrictions but also with offers of help and encouragement.
Clark says that the third parenting style is connected with strong student achievement. He goes on to say that encouraging children to question things and to accept responsibility helps them to develop and mature.
As parents, we are constantly teaching our children and helping them to grow and establish a personality and lifestyle of their own. One way to help children become more well-rounded individuals is to introduce them to culture. The question is, how do we do that without boring the child or introducing them to too much too fast? Here are some tips to help you:
Music: Take your child to outdoor jazz, classical, or gospel concerts so they can move around and dance to the music without feeling restricted to a seat for a long period of time. Play music during their nap or at dinner when they won't feel forced to listen.
Theater: Take your child to a children's theater production. Discuss beforehand what the child will see and also the behavior expected from them while in the theater.
Dance: Take your child to a dance festival. Children become mesmerized by the music and body movements. Enroll them in a combination dance class so they can be exposed to different dance forms.
Literature: Take your child to the library on a regular basis and ask the librarian to recommend authors for your children or let them explore the shelves on their own. Many libraries offer story hours, which allows children to hear literature in a fun group environment.
Art: Take your child to an art museum and explain the exhibits to them. Frame and hang their artwork in your home or office to encourage their artistic creativity.
You are a creative person. Innovation runs through everyone's veins. Yet, surprisingly few people acknowledge their creativity, act on their gut feelings, and let creativity flow. John Briggs, author of Fire In the Crucible: TheAlchemy of Creative Genius, says, "The way we talk about creativity tends to reinforce the notion that it is some kind of arbitrary gift. It's amazing the way 'not having it' becomes wedded to a person's self-image. They invariably work up a whole series of rationalizations about why they 'aren't creative,' as if they were damaged goods of some kind."
One of the myths about creativity restricts it to geniuses. Ironically, a study that tracked 1,528 school children with IQs above 135 for six decades found there was no significant correlation between creativity and IQ. For the most part, all "geniuses" in the study led stable and productive lives, but very few made any notable creative contributions.
You CAN be more creative. . .but only if you are willing to learn to play with reality and act on your impulses. Ruth Richards, psychiatrist and creativity researcher says, "Remember, the essence of life isn't getting things right, but taking risks, making mistakes, getting things wrong."
As organizations move forward, they find that the bottomline to success is innovation or creativity. Technology is leveling the playing field. . .creativity is the "ace in the hole."
Of course you want your children to be effective adults. What can you do now to instill principles that will help
them in the five most important areas of their lives? Consider how those areas develop throughout the course of
our lives:Values: foundational principles and standards that drive people.
learned: 1 to 6 months — developed:1 to 5 years
What people value is the most important and powerful factor in determining their success. The goals that they live for and the internal rules that they follow are usually instilled at a very early age, but they can later be supported or eroded by external factors.
Skills: natural strengths that an individual possesses or develops.
learned: 7 to 12 months — developed: 6 to 10 years
The skills required for any task can be acquired with proper training, motivation, and willingness. Both innate talent and learned ability will aid people in pursuit of their major life values, as long as those skills are used appropriately and constructively.
Work Ethic: the attitudes that people apply to help them deal with challenging situations.
learned: 13 to 18 months — developed: 11 to 15 years
Individuals with a strong work ethic can be successful in almost any pursuit in their life. A hard work ethic must be aligned with strong foundational values to produce maximum results.
Leadership: service that teaches others to reach their potential.
learned: 19 to 24 months — developed: 16 to 21 years
True leadership springs out of a deep concern for and joy in helping others see success. Leaders must embody pure values and discernment; skill in drawing out the best in others; and a vigorous, motivating work ethic to encourage people in their daily challenges.
Results:: the tangible and intangible ways people have improved their lives and helped others improve theirs. developed: ongoing, throughout one's life
Without results, people are lacking in effectiveness in one or more area of life. True results, though, may be very difficult to see and may require years of practice before showing themselves in someone's life. Though success in one area is relatively easy to acquire, results refer to the combination of successes that are evident in all areas of life. Because a lack of results is often excusable or not discussed, many people never face the biggest challenges they have in their lives. It is only by grappling with those difficult areas that we mature and produce amazing results.
Every parent wishes they could understand their child better. If only they knew how easy it was! Everyone, including children, can be categorized into one of four personality types. Once a type is recognized, it becomes easier to understand and deal with a child.
Your problem child is probably a driver. They "drive" you crazy, insisting on logical explanations. They need to be in control and constantly question authority. Children who fit into this category should be allowed to think they are in control, e.g., "Do you want to draw or play a game? Crayons or paint? Homework now or later?"
The child who has you washing drawings off the wall is your expressive. They are creative and turn everything into a game. They love praise, recognition for what they've done, and being the center of attention. Everything must be fun! Expressives typically have short attention spans and lots of ideas. They need guidance in carrying out the details of projects, but give them as much creative freedom as possible.
Analytical children should be easy to spot. They're probably taking apart the stereo as you read this; they love to know how things work. They also care deeply about their appearance. This child is upset when things don't go according to schedule or if mistakes are made. The key to working with analyticals is to allow them to investigate. Encourage logic and organization. Stress the need for relaxation, and make sure they know that it's OK if they make mistakes sometimes.
The amiable child is currently curled up in your lap. An amiable is happy if everyone else is happy. These children need extra attention. They love to touch and to be touched and hate when others don't get along. They need to understand that not everyone will always get along. A loving and touchy environment is key to this child. A hug after a bad or good day will keep them going.
While your child may exhibit some characteristics from different personality styles, it's usually not too hard to figure out which category he fits into primarily. Reading more on personality styles will probably help as you continue to work on understanding your child and guiding him in the most effective way.
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